My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
