Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
