I puked a lego.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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