just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
