Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
