careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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