I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
i've created a new STD.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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