I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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