Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
