I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
