Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
