My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
