Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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