youre lurking in front of me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize