I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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