That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i think my mom watched the whole time
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
