If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
