Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
