I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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