Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
did i walk over a car last night?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
