If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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