headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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