I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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