Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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