my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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