I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
