I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
