He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
