Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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