I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
