My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
