just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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