I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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