Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
