I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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