oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
