I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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