My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
