he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
