haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
