ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
In America we eat man semen.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
