so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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