dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
