I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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