I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
