we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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