I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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