If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
