I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
