i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
