i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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