So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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