just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
