Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
