Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize