it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my shit smells like andre
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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