i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
